I KNOW I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A REALLY LONG TIME PLEASE FORGIVE ME I AM SO SORRY.
I know I said I was going on a detox and that really didn’t work. But I thought I would give you guys an update on what’s been going on with me and what I’ve been feeling throughout these couple of days. Bare with me, I get a bit emotional and really sad, but this is therapeutic for me and I really need to express these feelings so I can move forward in my life.
Being Sick 😦
I haven’t been sick in pretty much forever. I don’t even think I was sick last year at all. But on my one year anniversary, I felt my throat begin to hurt. I didn’t make much of it but it continued to hurt for a while until I finally decided to go to the doctors to get it checked out. They pretty much told me I have a sore throat, and that my nose is so dry that I’ve been bleeding. So I got a nasal spray and treated it like a sore throat. But here I am, my nose is still runny and I have blood in my boogers (sorry for being graphic), my throat still hurts, and I’ve been feeling really drained and sometimes I feel a little dizzy. I might go again to the doctors this week because I’m tired of being sick.
I’ve been feeling like poop and I feel like this has made me super lazy and just unmotivated to do anything. I took blood tests and I don’t need to take my iron supplements anymore, but I feel like maybe my body is having withdraws. That sounds so stupid because I feel like my energy is just gone now.
I also think maybe I’m just being super dramatic and it’s just a bad case of allergies. If anything happens this week and I do go to the doctors I’ll keep you guys posted.
Driving, Oh God
So during my spring break, I did driving classes. It was really fun, and not gonna lie I felt really confident about driving Afterwards I drove my best friend’s car (with her in it) and I felt so free. I don’t know why, but I loved the idea that I could finally work a car, and get from point A to point B. I felt on top of the world, I felt grown up, I felt like I could finally take care of myself. My grandparents, being absolutely kind and just unbelievable gave me my first car. I cried when I got the news, and thought “finally I don’t need to depend on my dad anymore.”
Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. My dad started to take me out to drive, and I remembered why I never let my dad help me anymore. He screamed at me the minute I started the car, and as I kept driving he screamed at me and even moved my wheel. The second day I got into an argument with him and it got so bad he turned red. I told him to never teach me how to drive ever. He slammed my car door and we didn’t speak at all. I don’t have a relationship with my dad. He lives with us, but he isn’t involved. It’s confusing, but he and I don’t see eye to eye. I called him dad out of common courtesy but he hasn’t been my father for years.
I can’t practice in my car because it doesn’t have insurance, so I can’t register it. My dad was suppose to put the car under his insurance and I was suppose to go register it, but he hasn’t done it so I think I’ll just get my own car insurance.
This has been something I’ve been stressing about for about a year now. I didn’t notice my weight gain until a couple of months ago when I looked at my closet and realized that my wardrobe only consisted of long shirts and pants. It hit me that I became embarrassed of my body shape so much I limited my clothing choice. And I wasn’t like that before, I didn’t have area on my body that had rolls. I didn’t have fat on my stomach, I was thin skinny.
A year ago, I was working out to fit into my prom dress. And when I realized my weight, I came across this picture.
That was my body when I took care of myself, and I remember how good a felt at that time. I felt beautiful, I felt my best, I felt on top of the world. I still get emotional talking about this because I don’t know why I let myself go. I don’t know why I stopped taking care of myself. I’ve been trying really hard to get into that habit again but it’s so hard because I look at this picture and I think “I can’t do it. I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life.” I know it’s dumb, I know that I’m dumb for feeling this way, but I have to share this.
I may look confident, I may seem comfortable with myself. But in reality I am disappointed at how I look now. It’s terrible to feel this way, and I really hope that I get myself to work out, and get myself to eat right again. I really want to get out of this funk. I can’t live my life like this anymore. What I mean by that is I don’t want to feel defeated anymore.
I’m sorry for how long this post is, and sorry for the touchy subject. If you’re having issue with weight or body image, we are in this together. We will get through this, and we will learn to love ourself again.
I’ll be back with more makeup looks tomorrow.
Love you all ❤