about me · life advice · Uncategorized

I Am Changed

I feel like the last time I made post on here I was so fake and not real. I wasn’t telling you guys the truth and I wasn’t letting myself accept the truth. You all had no idea what was going on with me, and in turn I didn’t want to come on here. But today I will squash this wall I’ve made with all of you, and tell you what was really happening.

When I started this blog and began writing, I had a boyfriend. I had been with him since I was 17, a senior in high school. We went to prom together, he was in the audience during my graduation. He was the first guy I said “I love you” to. I lost my virginity to him, we had a pregnancy scare, and we spent as much time as we could together. He was there for me during my first year of university. During the times I didn’t think I could make it he kept pushing me to keep going.

He was the first guy I wanted to spend my life with, he and I talked about moving in together and getting married and having kids and this was all before we hit a year together. Then a year passed by, and he fell more madly in love with me. And I fell into a fear of spending my life with the same person. The truth is, after a year of being together I was no longer in love with him. It was hard to admit to myself, but the signs were all there.

I didn’t want to see him anymore. I tried to get scheduled to work on weekends so I didn’t have to see him. When he kissed me, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want him to hold my hand. When we would have sex, I found myself of trying to imagine having sex with someone else to get me to actually enjoy the sex. I didn’t love him anymore, but I didn’t want to be alone.

I started to freak out of the idea of not having a boyfriend. I had grown so used to the routine I couldn’t picture my life without having someone to talk to everyday. That was another problem I found myself in; he was the only person I talked to. I didn’t go out with friends anymore. I didn’t text friends anymore. He didn’t like the idea of me being friends with people- with guys especially. He wanted me all to himself, and I felt lonely in the relationship.

I would tell him I feel so alone, and he would be so upset that I felt that way. But I was alone, I was alone and single while not being single. And when I realized that it made it so much easier to accept the fact that I wanted to be single. So for the next several months I distanced myself from him and became my own person. In my head I was single, I wasn’t tied to someone anymore. I got over the fear I had over him and stood up for myself. I got into arguments and got mad and hoped he would see I was just so fucking over him.

I was over him before I left him. I was feeling confident again, I was liking the attention other MEN gave me. I capitalize men because I wanted a man. I didn’t want someone who made me make every decision for him. I wanted a grown man who had their shit together and knew what they wanted. I was tired of acting like the mother that he had; I didn’t want to take care of him anymore.

No, I didn’t cheat on him, but believe me I really wanted to. Was that selfish of me? Sure maybe I don’t know and I don’t care. I wanted to be loved by someone who didn’t see me as the person who could fix everything. I wanted someone to see me as me, not all the things I could do for them.

I couldn’t take it anymore, this whole acting single when I technically wasn’t. So a couple of weeks ago I finally sat him down and I told him I wanted out. That I didn’t love him anymore and that I wanted to break up. It was plain, clear, and simple. I cried that night, not because I would miss him, but because I should have done it sooner. I put myself through hell over a simple fear of not having someone by my side to talk to.

I am now changed, I am happier and confident and excited to live my life. My attitude is much better, and I’m excited to see what the universe throws at me. This is the new me, this is who I am. Things only get better from here.

about me · life advice · self help

Where Have I Been Part 2 

Image result for sad dog
I know I said I was going on a detox and that really didn’t work. But I thought I would give you guys an update on what’s been going on with me and what I’ve been feeling throughout these couple of days.  Bare with me, I get a bit emotional and really sad, but this is therapeutic for me and I really need to express these feelings so I can move forward in my life.
Being Sick 😦
I haven’t been sick in pretty much forever. I don’t even think I was sick last year at all. But on my one year anniversary, I felt my throat begin to hurt. I didn’t make much of it but it continued to hurt for a while until I finally decided to go to the doctors to get it checked out. They pretty much told me I have a sore throat, and that my nose is so dry that I’ve been bleeding. So I got a nasal spray and treated it like a sore throat. But here I am, my nose is still runny and I have blood in my boogers (sorry for being graphic), my throat still hurts, and I’ve been feeling really drained and sometimes I feel a little dizzy. I might go again to the doctors this week because I’m tired of being sick.
I’ve been feeling like poop and I feel like this has made me super lazy and just unmotivated to do anything. I took blood tests and I don’t need to take my iron supplements anymore, but I feel like maybe my body is having withdraws. That sounds so stupid because I feel like my energy is just gone now.
I also think maybe I’m just being super dramatic and it’s just a bad case of allergies. If anything happens this week and I do go to the doctors I’ll keep you guys posted.
Driving, Oh God
So during my spring break, I did driving classes. It was really fun, and not gonna lie I felt really confident about driving Afterwards I drove my best friend’s car (with her in it) and I felt so free. I don’t know why, but I loved the idea that I could finally work a car, and get from point A to point B. I felt on top of the world, I felt grown up, I felt like I could finally take care of myself. My grandparents, being absolutely kind and just unbelievable gave me my first car. I cried when I got the news, and thought “finally I don’t need to depend on my dad anymore.”
Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. My dad started to take me out to drive, and I remembered why I never let my dad help me anymore. He screamed at me the minute I started the car, and as I kept driving he screamed at me and even moved my wheel. The second day I got into an argument with him and it got so bad he turned red. I told him to never teach me how to drive ever. He slammed my car door and we didn’t speak at all. I don’t have a relationship with my dad. He lives with us, but he isn’t involved. It’s confusing, but he and I don’t see eye to eye. I called him dad out of common courtesy but he hasn’t been my father for years.
I can’t practice in my car because it doesn’t have insurance, so I can’t register it. My dad was suppose to put the car under his insurance and I was suppose to go register it, but he hasn’t done it so I think I’ll just get my own car insurance.
My Weight
This has been something I’ve been stressing about for about a year now. I didn’t notice my weight gain until a couple of months ago when I looked at my closet and realized that my wardrobe only consisted of long shirts and pants. It hit me that I became embarrassed of my body shape so much I limited my clothing choice. And I wasn’t like that before, I didn’t have area on my body that had rolls. I didn’t have fat on my stomach, I was thin skinny.
A year ago, I was working out to fit into my prom dress. And when I realized my weight, I came across this picture.
That was my body when I took care of myself, and I remember how good a felt at that time. I felt beautiful, I felt my best, I felt on top of the world. I still get emotional talking about this because I don’t know why I let myself go. I don’t know why I stopped taking care of myself.  I’ve been trying really hard to get into that habit again but it’s so hard because I look at this picture and I think “I can’t do it. I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life.” I know it’s dumb, I know that I’m dumb for feeling this way, but I have to share this.
I may look confident, I may seem comfortable with myself. But in reality I am disappointed at how I look now. It’s terrible to feel this way, and I really hope that I get myself to work out, and get myself to eat right again. I really want to get out of this funk. I can’t live my life like this anymore. What I mean by that is I don’t want to feel defeated anymore.
I’m sorry for how long this post is, and sorry for the touchy subject. If you’re having issue with weight or body image, we are in this together. We will get through this, and we will learn to love ourself again.
I’ll be back with more makeup looks tomorrow.
Love you all ❤
about me · detox · life advice · self help

Where Have I Been?

I have been away for a while and I’m so sorry for that!!!! Last week was my spring break and I had the opportunity to go to driving school the entire week. I’m 18 years old and I’m barely starting to learn how to drive. It’s been so exciting and so liberating that I’ve been away from social media for a while. 

One thing I learned was that being away from social media is healthy, who knew right? I was enjoying the routine of driving, and feeling more independent than ever. I even began a challenge for myself today, I call it my total detox. 

Here’s my challenge: 


  • no makeup except for special events
  • drink more water
  • no junk food, cut off all artificial sugar
  • workout at least 3 times a week
  • write everyday 
  • read every day
  • clean out my room 
  • take care of my skin
  • no heat on my hair
  • a youtube video once a week

I hope with this detox I find a new verison of myself that’s stress free and is being more productive!! I challenge you guys to do this with me!! I’ll be writing on here everyday, the a diary so you guys get to know me and how I’m doing and showing you guys my change and how beneficial this detox is!!

Wish me luck!!! ❤